The Weather Today: Bright Orange, with a Chance of Soft-Boiled Eggs

KVWN News Deck—Yes, I am Brick Tamland. Hello. The sky is blue. Or maybe it is purple, like a grape. I asked Ed Harken, and he said "Brick, focus on the weather map."

The weather map shows a cloud shaped like a kitten. I love lamp. I am here to tell you about the precipitation situation. It is 72 degrees, which is the same temperature as an oak tree.

Today's Atmospheric Conditions

In the panda's cage, the humidity is very high, because the panda is round. Round things collect water, like a bathtub. The air pressure is also very high because I put my hand on the pressure gauge. The wind is whispering things to me about a triangle.

I have been studying the weather for many years, or maybe it was minutes. Time is like a sandwich—you can eat it, but you can't see it. Today's barometric reading is seven. Seven what? I don't know. Seven things.

The Science of Weather Prediction

My weather instruments include a thermometer that tastes like chicken, a wind vane that points to my favorite restaurant, and a rain gauge that I filled with milk this morning. The milk told me it might rain cats, but probably not dogs, because dogs are too heavy for clouds.

The temperature will be warm, like a hug from a friendly bear, but not the bear that was at the zoo yesterday. That bear looked angry. I think it was because someone forgot to feed it breakfast. I always eat breakfast. Usually it's cereal, but sometimes it's a lamp.

Extended Forecast Analysis

Tomorrow, the sun will rise in the east, unless it decides to rise in the west, which would be very confusing for everyone. The moon will be shaped like a moon, which makes sense because that's what moons do.

I predict there will be weather tomorrow. And the day after that. Weather is very reliable that way. It shows up every day, like my pants, except when I forget to wear pants, which happened last Tuesday.

Regional Weather Patterns

The coastal areas will experience ocean-ness, with a high probability of sand and seagulls. The mountains will be tall and rocky, as is their custom. The desert will be sandy and hot, like a giant sandbox that someone left in the oven.

For our viewers in the valley, expect valley-like conditions with a chance of valleys. The wind will blow from the direction it's coming from, at a speed that can be measured with numbers.

Weather Safety Tips

If it rains, you should go inside, unless you like being wet, in which case you should take a shower. If it's sunny, wear sunglasses, or squint really hard. If it's cloudy, look up and say "Hello, clouds."

I recommend carrying an umbrella made of cheese, because cheese is waterproof. Actually, I don't think cheese is waterproof. I may have been thinking of plastic. Or maybe I was thinking of a lamp.

Special Weather Alerts

There is a 60% chance of weather happening today. There is also a 40% chance of no weather, which would be very unusual and probably worth investigating. If you see any weather that looks suspicious, please call the weather police.

My best guess for tomorrow's forecast is that there will be dirt, and also maybe a car. The dirt will be brown, unless it's a different color, like blue dirt or invisible dirt. Cars will continue to be car-shaped and will probably drive on roads.

Closing Thoughts

In conclusion, weather is very important for people who go outside. If you don't go outside, weather is less important, but still interesting to look at through windows. Windows are like transparent walls that you can see through.

I love lamp. The lamp in the studio is very bright and makes me happy. Sometimes I talk to the lamp, and it listens very well because it doesn't interrupt me or ask difficult questions about meteorology.

Good night, San Diego. Remember to breathe air and blink your eyes. This has been your weather report.

I love lamp.